Monday, April 29, 2013

What If Celebrities Were Sex Toys?

*Featured Post by Ariel Reed

The Internet has a fun way of drumming up crazy ideas when it comes to celebrities--the rumors, the scandals and even the what ifs, so I figured it was time we did one of our own: The What If Celebrities Were Sex Toy edition. We use sex to sell just about everything and celebs like Halle Berry, Jenny McCartney and Teri Hatcher have all come out and sung the sex toy praises, so why not! Let's do it. You ready? Awesome. Go.

If Celebrities Were Sex Toys, What Would They Be?

Lindsay Lohan--Our favorite felonious ginger. She's in and out of rehab and jail so often that she'd be something you couldn't find in a good ole fashioned frisk. You'd really have to dig to get at her. That's why she'd definitely be a string of anal beads. Skinny, sometimes painful, somethings extremely pleasurable, easy to hide and always entertaining.

Lady Gaga--our amazing queen. She can dance, she can sing, she's intense, fierce and she can morph into an entirely new person over night. She would undoubtedly be a latex restraint system. She'd want you to have fun, but she wants to be in control and plus, sometimes Little Monsters just need to be tamed.

Perez Hilton--Is he a celebrity, is he a comedian or just a gossiper? Whatever he is, he's fabulous, but he's also loud, snarky and a little in your face and because of that he'd definitely be a vibrator. He wouldn't just be any vibrator though, he'd be one of those old school ones that are super loud. We'll give him props though and he can be a skinny one versus a wider one.

Anne Hathaway--An environmental princess, Hathaway is known for not only rocking out some musicals, but for also reppin' the earth. While she's probably just sweet as pie (said with my greatest southern accent ever), she also has the girl-next-door-bougie side, so combine that with her eco love and she'd definitely be one of those upscale luxury vibes, mostly because those babies are praised for their rechargeability and life expectancy.

Reese Witherspoon--you know that blonde actress that your mom is totally in love with, you also may remember her from the greatest movie of all time, Cruel Intentions. But whatever. She and her husband, Jim Toth, were recently arrested. Say what! America's sweetheart got locked up for being disorderly while her hubby got charged with a DUI. Who knew she had it in her? Because of this, she would totally be one of those Adam & Eve vibrators that look like a rubber duck or lipstick. It's discrete, it's's a VIBRATOR!

John Hamm--Hi, have you met the Hammaconda yet? No? Get on it. That man is rocking something under his shorts and has even been told that he has to start wearing underwear when shooting Mad Men episodes. I don't care about his personality or what he does, with a wang like that, John Hamm is definitely a 14 inch wide dildo. You know, the kind you could swing around threateningly outside your car window. No? Fine, forget it.

Ryan Seacrest--Ryan Seacrest is like that annoying leach that just won't go away. Everywhere you turn you see his Botoxed face, but then again, he did bring us the Kardashians and for that I worship him. Ryan Seacrest, without a doubt, would be a condom. He's annoying, he's everywhere, some people like him and some people really hate him, but he's also important. Therefore, you can think of his face every time you wrap it up and thank him for keeping you safe and up with the Kardashians.

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