Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Napkin By Any Other Name...

Have y'all seen the speech (VIDEO HERE) that Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum shit out in the middle of a grocery store earlier this week? He at one point equates the sanctity of marriage with paper products during a high tech visual presentation in which he holds up a napkin and argues, "I can call this napkin a paper towel, but it is a napkin. And why? Because it is what it is. Right? You can call it whatever you want, but it doesn't change the character of what it is."

He gave a similar speech prior to this about how a glass of water is a glass of water and not a glass of beer, and no matter how many times you call it a glass of beer…(you get it.)

I guess I can understand why scared, often closeted conservatives find solace in repeating these metaphysical analogies opposing gay rights ad nauseum (“marriage is a man/woman thing, a napkin’s a napkin, a glass of water is a glass of water, my ass is my elbow, etc.”) I mean, I’ve been watching the same Golden Girls reruns every night for almost two decades, so if anyone understands comfort in consistency, it’s me. But are these people actually hearing themselves??

The only reason a napkin is even called a napkin is because in the late 1600’s, a fat white straight man named Fred Napkin who was too lazy to get up and wash himself after dinner, picked up a nearby piece of paper and used it to wipe the disgusting chicken lard from his fat face and he was so impressed by his own mindless resourcefulness, he decided that henceforth, everyone would call napkins “napkins”. Pretty arrogant, but no one argued with him because, let's face it, it was a fucking awesome idea.

The story I've just told is not true, but I needed to support my case with facts and didn’t feel like looking any up.

My point is that so many things are as they are because once upon a time, some schmuck (or group of schmucks) decided at a singular moment in time to make those things that way. Am I mad that napkins and water have been defined for me? Not at all. I've so far found it very helpful in communicating with others and it means I don't have to play charades with the waiter when asking for stuff at restaurants.

That another man would try to define my personal feelings and legal right to express them as I choose, however, is a different matter. Any comparison between the two is nothing short of offensive. And not to speak for napkins or anything, but as far as I know, they're cool with just being napkins; they have no further aspirations beyond wiping shit off people’s faces until the end of time, so we’ll let sleeping dogs lie on that one. But to stifle the evolution of humanity and fight against equality with the argument that ANYTHING “is what it is” and therefore as it should be, solely on the grounds that it’s been defined that way is not only antiquated thinking but absurd doublespeak.

And PS, Rick: If you’d take the time to check my glass of water, you’d realize it’s actually a glass of vodka. Furthermore, I've been known in emergency situations, when my weekly trip to the supermarket has been neglected, to call a napkin “toilet paper”. I guess things aren't always as they seem, smartypantssss.


Jamie Pierce said...

I love you.

lambillio said...

HAHAHA! idiot.
damn i need some toilet paper thanks for the reminder.