Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Bewitched, Bothered & Bea Arthur

My alarm clock radio went off to the theme from Grease this morning, so I'm feeling very "Stockard Channing" right now. Only, not sexy, dykey, young Grease Stockard Channing; more like deer-in-the-headlights, 2009 Pal Joey revival, Tony Awards performance, "what am I doing here and why is Bret Michaels lying on the floor in a pool of blood and teeth?" Stockard Channing. I guess that's to be expected, given my advanced age and the sequined gown/faux mink stole I'm wearing.

But enough about that. Let's jump right into Hot Topics: Last night, I had a dream that it was Halloween and I was dressed in a My Little Pony costume (classic MLP - nothing like the "My Little Beyonce" Pony pictured above.) I was trick-or-treating and when I came to one particular house, Bea Arthur answered holding a shotgun. "Trick or treat," said I. "Go the hell away. I haven't got any goddamn money," she replied, through a small crack in the now partially opened doorway (and yes, I did notice a mezuzah in the shape of Betty White on the door frame.) "Cut the shit, Bea," I insisted. "I just want a little candy and I'm not going anywhere until you produce." She finally let me in and before long we were sharing Rue McClanahan stories over cheesecake and she was asking me to move in. Shortly thereafter, we began selling cosmetic supplies and hair care products illegally out of her basement. Then Whoopi Goldberg had a white baby.

(I guess the Whoopi Goldberg/white baby part was sort of like the tag during the end credits.)

Yeah, it was a pretty crazy dream, but I'm probably gonna pitch it to NBC as a pilot for their Fall lineup. I think My Little Pony is long overdue for a primetime comeback. Bea Arthur, also. She hasn't really had a hit since she died.

Will keep you posted.

(I'm high on cold meds, so pay no attention to anything you've just read. Unless you work for NBC and think this might be viable.)


Countervail said...

I believe that's a Princess Leia My Pretty Pony by the way. Just saying. We love your blog! Keep it coming!

Madge said...

I wish you lived by me, I'd be the best hag ever!!