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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Make Up Your Own Title Here. I'm Too Hungry.

I’ve been scarce, I know. I’ve been dieting and far too hungry to come up with anything even remotely amusing or interesting to blog (and I’m frankly still thinking only of pasta, so this will probably be marginal.) But now that the Tony Awards and Broadway Bares have come and gone, I can at least go back to eating carbohydrates in moderation. You know the old etiquette dictum: “No white shoes after Labor Day, no white flour before Broadway Bares and no white people backstage at the Eugene O’Neill until Fela posts.” Didn't your grandmothers always say that...?

I have no real reason to participate in the annual starvation/exercise craze that goes on around these parts pre-‘Bares’. I’m never in the show (I’ve never been asked, thankyouverymuch.) It’s purely influenced by the guilt and self-consciousness of hanging around my skinny-bitch dancer friends. I hate them so much.

Plus, let’s not forget that I live in one of the foremost fashion capitals of the world, where people are judged constantly on appearance. And I don’t mean New York City proper; I’m talking about Ms. Astoria Getting-Too-Big-For-Her-Britches Queens. She is a gay mecca of the outer boroughs now, you know...

But it’s not only the Astoria gays who can get judgy, you guys! (If this were The View, what I just did right there would be called a "segue" and Sherri Shepherd would have done it ineffectively.)

There’s a sign hanging outside my uber straight Astoria gym. This is a picture of it (please note the spelling of what should be “inquire within”):

"Must Be Good Looking"?? Is anyone offended by this?!? I mean, I'm not because I obviously fit into that bracket, but shit! Have some frickin' tact! Can I get a "WHAT-WHAT" from all the unattractive people in the crowd?!

This is just one fairly tame example of the comically blatant disregard for social progression and political correctness so many of the male-dominated Greek establishments in my neighborhood proudly display. I pass by dozens of restaurants every day with gender-specific, grammatically incorrect Help-Wanted signs in the window that say bizarre and sexist things like: “Wait Staff Wanted. Women Only. Must Be Pretty Woman!"

Or..."Looking For Bartender. Must Be Womens. Must Be Greek and Thin with the Big Titties and the Strong Response to Date Rape Sedatives. Prior Restorant Experiensses Rekwired.

It doesn’t really bother me. Aside from being hysterically funny to me, it actually manages to maintain a level of forgivable old-school charm…like when you visit the World Showcase at Epcot Center in Disney World and everyone on staff in “Ireland” is drunk, and the Mickey Mouse in “China” has considerably smaller genitalia than the Mickey Mouse in “Italy”... Ya know what I mean?

See, I said Italy and now I’m thinking about pasta again…

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