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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

La Vida Joto ('Joto' means 'Homo' in Spanish. My friend told me. He's Both.)

Do you remember where you were the day Ricky Martin came out of the closet? I do. I was in Chelsea having my ass waxed… OK. That is probably too much information. Let me rephrase: I was SOMEWHERE BELOW 28th STREET having my ass waxed, when suddenly a lisping voice came over the loud speaker and said urgently, “We interrupt this Lady GaGa song to bring you a special report…” He of course went on to tell us the news. I blacked out. And when I came to, my Filipino wax attendant and I made passionate love for 6 minutes (what else could we do?) Nothing has been the same since.

You don’t soon forget a thing like that. It’s one of those monumental experiences that stays burned in your memory - like where you were on 9/11, or when you found out about the assassination of John F. Kennedy, or when Oprah gave away all the cars. It sticks with ya, man.

The worst part is the betrayal I felt. Remember the betrayal you felt?? I mean, you guys... "Shake your bon-bon, Shake your bon-bon"!?!? This whole time he was talking about a man's bon-bon!!

"She bangs, she bangs"!?!? Who fuckin knew that he actually meant that "HE bangs", but he was doing that weird thing that gay guys do when they refer to each other as "she"??? WTF??

Anyway, I did find it commendable that he waited to go public until his career needed a resurgence and he was virtually out of public view, with nothing to lose. I think that's how I'll eventually come out to my fan(s). (So keep your fat mouths shut until then, ya hear???)

Also! This new unauthorized Oprah biography by washed-up "poison pen" journalist Kitty Kelley has got me hysterical. I mean, I haven't read it of course, because I think it's absolute garbage and also I can't read. But apparently it fuels the longtime rumors that Oprah's a fag, and Big O is pissed.

I enjoy gay Oprah jokes as much as the next sassy lady, but nothing makes me laugh harder than the notion that Oprah would actually be a lesbian and not tell us about it every chance she got, through every possible medium - eventually leading us all to be lesbians with her. Please. You KNOW that if Oprah's favorite thing was vagina, we would all be rush-ordering that stuff by the crate-full from Williams-Sonoma. There would be segments on the Today Show about the most affordable, low-calorie ways to prepare it.

I don't really care who's gay anymore, anyway. I really don't. Unless you're dating me, styling my hair, or Jake Gyllenhaal, your sexuality is of no importance to me. I also think that until public figures start owning their truths from the beginning, and the media stops trying to reveal those truths as scandals, the gay movement is in the turlet.

So shut the eff, Kitty!

Have a nice day.
PS - I'M GAY. Nevermind. I didn't say anything! Bye. Go!!!

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