The first thing I do every morning after I vomit is check my email. My first message today had come in at 7:32 A.M. and was from a friend who very rarely emails me (and who, due to his persistent aversion to employment, I assumed had never even heard of a land called 7:32 A.M.) The title of the email read “SAD NEWS”, all in caps. My thoughts instantly raced in one direction. “Oh god, no…,” I thought, looking no further, “…Betty White?!?!”
Listen. Ever since we lost Estelle Getty in '08, and then Bea Arthur just last April, I’ve been completely on edge. About Betty White and Rue McClanahan, I mean. You might say it’s why I drink so much. Some people wake up and check the papers for breaking economic news, or click on the Today Show to get the weather forecast. I, on the other hand, immediately check to make sure the surviving Golden Girls have made it through the night. If neither of their Wikipedia pages has been updated to show an expiration date, I get out of bed and brush my teeth.
Of course my fear was unfounded. The Girls are still kickin’, worse for wear. And the “sad news” my friend was delivering was just that his boyfriend had broken up with him and his dog died. Or his dog had broken up with him and the boyfriend died? I don’t know. Something. Anyway, phew! What a relief!
I was naturally running late for the train, after all the Betty White drama, and had just made it onto the platform as the doors were closing. Determined to squeeze myself into the crowd, I passed a little gas, sucked in my stomach and slipped right on. The fights started almost instantly. "You have all that room," yelled a woman to me, pointing at a 2-inch space separating myself and another passenger.
"This is the minimal distance at which I can possibly stand without involuntarily breastfeeding this gentlemen," I assured her, "and I'd like to keep it, if you don't mind."
Some horrible French man onboard who'd overheard this exchange, rolled his eyes condescendingly and said under his bad breath, "Heh! Americans!"
Can you believe?? I was so offended! I wanted to say to him, "Hey, buddy... Americans??? Does anyone on this train look American to you?? I haven't seen this many Asians since 'Nam!" Sheesh! Racist people can be so intolerant.
Jesus, I've been writing this for a while. Has anyone checked on Rue McClanahan?? Where the hell is Rue McClanahan!?!?!