Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Ray, Ray, Go Away

You guys, Rachael Ray just totally made me feel like an asshole. Well, not directly. She sent one of her minions to do it. I was walking down 3rd Avenue to Duane Reade for some Kaopectate and kitty litter, wondering why I'm so alone, when I was stopped by a bouncy brunette with a microphone in her hand and a big, lanky bastard with a video camera perched on his shoulder standing behind her. Interns, clearly.

"Are you a fan of Rachael Ray," asked the girl, halting me in my tracks with a Racheal Ray Show flagged mic to my chest.

"No," I said. "She irritates the shit out of me and I've never been able to sit through an entire episode of her show. I find that she produces an abnormal amount of saliva, making it nearly impossible for her to conduct an interview or baste a chicken without spewing drool all over herself or her guests or her poultry, and I find it both distracting and repulsive. I also think she might have a penis."

That's not an exact transcript. I think what I actually said was something more like, "Yeah! Totally!" So she went on to explain that they were working on Rachael's Valentine's Day show, and asked if I would like to make an on-camera love declaration to my "special someone".

Sad face.

I didn't feel like standing on 3rd Avenue and explaining to this obnoxious stranger with a camera crew that I'm single, and no, I would not like to appear on her nationally syndicated program, making a Valentine's Day love declaration to my mother. Instead I just started rambling nervously, and puking out every excuse I could come up with, all at once: "Sorry, I'm late for a-uh-uh thing... I'm not camera-ready... I'm under contract with NBC and can't appear on any other networks..."

I don't need that! Especially not from Rachael Ray's slimy spit-face!

Great, now I'm hungry for chicken.

No comments: