Friday, February 5, 2010

#Breaking Up Is Hard To -- (I ran out of characters.)

I’ve been sort of seeing this guy. Very casual/very nothing-to-write-home-about/very “leave me alone, I’m totally over you”. In fact I tried unsuccessfully to break it off with him last night over Twitter. I wrote @ him that “to everything there is a season”, and went on to tell him what a great guy he is (blah, blah, blah, bullshit). But by the time I got all that crap out of the way, I’d exceeded 140 characters and apparently the “I don’t want to date you anymore” part didn’t go through. (Yeah - like, the most important part.) So we’re going out again tonight.

*Note to self: The next time you want to quickly crush someone’s heart impersonally over a text-based microblogging service, cut to the damn chase!

What have we come to, World? Have we become so busy; so restless; so crowded by our own conversation that we can no longer even share personal thoughts among friends and loved ones (or semi-liked ones, in my case) without getting the hook faster than Elaine Stritch accepting an award? I mean, do ya mind?!?

We’ve gone from blogging our thoughts, to updating our Facebooks, to tweeting in under 200 words. I’m tellin’ ya… This “advanced technology” of ours is on a slow path right back to cave drawings. I believe that once Twitter becomes obsolete and we’ve finally exhausted our use of language entirely, we’ll begin using those schmucky little emoticons exclusively. Because why bother conveying emotion through words when you can easily send a cartoon bunny with a sad face to do the work? And then once we’ve decided we’re too “evolved” to even lift our fat, lazy fingers to a keyboard, we’ll just start expressing ourselves through belches and farts pushed out in Morse code, or something.

Nobody has the patience or interest anymore. In fact, you’ve all probably stopped reading this by now. Assholes.

What I'm saying is, we all have attention deficit disorders. I’m so hungry. Should I have a salad for – Oh! I love this song! I miss slap bracelets. Wait… What was I saying? Oh, yeah! We all have A.D.D.

And we’re much dumber now, too! For instance, I personally don’t know how to spell anymore, thanks to iPhone’s auto-correct. Seriously. I can now only spell the first three letters of words. Maybe four. After that, I’m out. Though I rely heavily on the feature now, I hated it at first. Mainly because it kept correcting all my curse words. Finally, after a year, it’s grown to recognize my filthy mouth, and instead of changing “fuck” to “duck” every time, it just gives in and says “No…it’s ok, y’all… It’s just his nasty ass again. He meant to say that.

Even Google (an unhealthy crutch of mine to begin with) now has that auto-suggest feature, which completes phrases and topics as you type them, based on popular searches. As it is, I've been medically diagnosing myself for years using Google. Now I don't even have to go so far as to actually research my symptoms and possible maladies. If I feel an abnormal throbbing in my left ass cheek, for instance, I just type in "ABNORMAL THROBBING IN MY LEFT" and if "ASS CHEEK" pops up, that's it. No need to look any further. I know that I'm dying.

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