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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

All Abhorred!

I still can’t believe we’re already in 2010 (oh’10). What the frick?!? I always feel a little blue the first week of the New Year. I know it’s designed to be a time of renewal and fresh starts, but I guess it’s seeing all the unlit holiday decorations still hung past their prime that depresses me a little… Even the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center looks as though it’s stayed a little too long at the fair by the 5th of January. It reminds me of myself the morning after Halloween: still dimly lit, and still gaudily dressed (usually in second-rate drag, with my wig on backwards and one false eyelash hanging on for dear life.) Sad remnants of a more festive time... Ah, well. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. (Ugh. Now I’m really nauseous.)

I heard a new automated announcement on the subway this morning: “Ladies and Gentleman, remember… A crowded subway car is no excuse for inappropriate or unlawful sexual conduct.

Um… Actually, it’s a perfect excuse. And it's the only reason I still use public transportation.

I looked around to catch everyone’s reaction to the bulletin. Three middle-aged, touristy-looking soccer moms turned red with embarrassment and began to chatter feverishly off-topic, hoping to block out the awkwardness of having just heard the word “sexual” announced over a loudspeaker before 9AM. A rotund business man who’d already been sweating profusely (despite the 20 degree weather he’d just escaped) began to drip harder and buried his big bald head deeper into his newspaper. The three sassy gay guys to my left, however, just grinned and giggled to one another. Naturally. They'd probably done it three times since they boarded the train. (Do not talk to the gays about an excuse for inappropriate and unlawful sexual conduct. We could find one at an autopsy.)

I personally found the announcement thoroughly amusing, needless to say, but also a little offensive. I mean, first they hike the train fare and now they try to take away our subway sex??? What’s next, New Yorkers? No television in our cabs?? No moist towelettes with our chicken wings at Hooters??? My, how times have changed since I was a classy young lady.

*fart*

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