Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Frankly, Tiger, I Don't Give a Sh*t

I am so sick to death of Tiger Woods and his harem of ho-bags. If I have to hear once more about how shocked and betrayed America is by this whole thing, I’m gonna vomit golf bawllz. I mean, come now… Professional athletes behaving unfaithfully to their wives? What’s next? Asians taking a lot of pictures? Homeless people shitting themselves? Get over it, everybody!

And PS - Santa Claus is a recovering alcoholic and the Tooth Fairy's a big dyke. Let's pick up the pieces and move on.

Anyway, I don't wanna think about that anymore today. I'll think about it tomorrow. Which reminds me... This week marks the 70th Anniversary of the release of the now-classic Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Technicolor extravaganza "Gone With the Wind". Can you imagine?? 70 years ago! I was only like 6 years old, or something. (My math could be wrong.)

I'll never forget the first time I saw it. I was actually around 11 when I watched my grandmother's VHS copy, and I quickly became obsessed. It'll come as no surprise that I felt an immediate connection to the character of Scarlett O'Hara, as played by Vivien Leigh. She was a strong-willed man-crazy spitfire with a phony Southern accent - just like me! I was smitten.

Some little boys had Michael Jordon; I had Scarlett O'Hara.

Imagine my elation when just a year later, I saw a commercial for an up-coming TV mini-series based on the sequel to the novel "Gone with the Wind" called "Scarlett", starring Joanne Whalley in the title role. Great balls of fire! I'd never been so excited about anything. I think I printed up invitations for a viewing party in my living room and handed them out to my stuffed animals. (Boys will be boys!) I walked around the house for a week before it aired, wearing my mother's leather gloves, carrying a Minnie Mouse parasol, saying "Fiddle-dee-dee!" and reciting lines I'd memorized from the TV promos like, "I, sir, am a woman of considerable means!" Then I'd storm out of the room.

My poor parents were so terribly confused by all this. I remember my father kept asking me, "What are you supposed to be, exactly?" Well, if he didn't know, I certainly wasn't about to explain it to him. I, sir, was a woman of considerable means.

Anyway, the point is: I'm gay. Always have been.

I hope I haven't shattered any more of your idealistic fantasies today.

Happy 70th, GWTW!!!

Scarlett O'Faygehleh

No comments: