Monday, October 5, 2009

Tickle Me Barbra

I've just awoken from the most horrible dream: I was in Chicago (the city, not the musical... wait, it gets worse.) I was in the studio audience of the Oprah show, and Oprah had just announced bellowed that we were to be part of her annual "Favorite Things" episode. Naturally, we all became hysterical and began jumping up and down and crying and ripping the weaves from our scalps, just like Oprah's real studio audience always does when they learn there will be a giveaway. Only once the show finally got underway, our elation dissolved when we realized that Oprah's favorite things this year were dental floss, adult diapers and Kraft American Cheese Singles. I looked this up in my dream dictionary and it says it means that I have most likely been setting myself up for disappointment in my relationships with Oprah. Admittedly, I do need to work on that.

But speaking of favorite things and the spirit of giving... It is not even Halloween yet, and that can mean only one thing... CHRISTMAS! At least according to all the Rite Aid drugstores in my neighborhood which have already begun plugging in their artificial fiber optic Christmas trees and hockin' their Holiday crap. It really bugs me that stores start with this in October! It's an offensively blatant marketing plot designed to trick an entire nation of poor hardworking schmucks who don't know any better into emptying their wallets and falling deeper into financial ruin, thus perpetuating the gross commercialization of what should be a sacred and spiritually prosperous time of year. It offends me, personally, and I refuse to take any part in it.

In other, completely unrelated news, I've recently begun Christmas shopping! (The Christmas tree at Rite Aid reminded me that I'd better get a head start.) I've been reading all the online lists of "2009's Hottest Toys" to better prepare myself. Here are a few of my faves (keep your weaves in; I'm not giving anything away):

Apparently Zhu Zhu Pets (left) have been christened "the Tickle Me Elmo of 2009." The plush interactive hamster dolls offer all the fun of an actual rodent pet, without the infectious diseases and shitting. I find this one incredibly lame. I want four of them. Not to be outdone, the makers of Tickle Me Elmo are quickly releasing the Tickle Me Elmo Extreme TMXXX. In addition to having bonus tickle points behind the neck, under the arms and in every major erogenous zone, the Tickle Me Elmo TM Triple-X comes complete with condoms and is capable of full-on intercourse. And when you "tickle" him, he not only laughs but recounts the disturbing rape confessions graphically described in chapters 2, 6, 9, 13 and 24 of Mackenzie Phillips' new memoir, "High On Arrival." (And chapter 28.)

There's also a controversial new line of black Barbie dolls out this week called "So In Style". The ghetto-fab new Barbie has many calling Mattel racist as they feel it is a stereotypical misrepresentation of young black youth in America. Apparently they all come with big earrings, flashy bling, a home pregnancy test, criminal record and an unexplained blonde lock of white Barbie's hair. I think they're just adorable! I need the collection. (Picture on left: This is Trichelle and her "little sister"/daughter Janessa. Trichelle has a gun.)

And finally, for the most amazing toy of 2009 (or quite possibly of life...) Mattel is releasing a limited edition Barbra Streisand doll in November, done up in the style of her appearance on the Judy Garland Show in 1963. Brilliant! I just hope kids today realize how good they have it... In my day, little boys didn't have Barbra Streisand dolls. When we wanted to reenact "Funny Girl" or play "My Name Is Barbra" we were forced to draw jew noses and trim page boy hairstyles on our Malibu Barbies and sew our own little mini sailor blouses with limp bows and black pencil skirts with slits up the side. We've come a long way, Fags! (I need at least eleven of these.)


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