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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Precious Moments and Jelly Doughnuts (or "The Emancipation of Meeskite")

It’s begun. I’ve started eating nothing but crap. Cookies, candy, ice cream... anything that's put in front of me. I love the week leading up to Halloween, don't you? You can eat all the sugar your enlarged heart desires and not feel guilty! It’s like skipping the gym while you’re on vacation, or gay prison sex; it totally doesn't count!

Speaking of Shallowqueen, I’ve narrowed my costume options down to just two: I’m either going to reprise last year’s sensation and go as “Kathy”, the drunk, promiscuous trick-or-treater mom (she was very popular – especially with the cab drivers), or as Precious, the obese and lovable African American protagonist from the upcoming Oprah-produced motion picture of the same name. Both have their perks, but I think I’ll probably stick with “Kathy”. After my week of candy binging I’d have to lose 15 pounds just to fit into the Precious costume.

And speaking of obese and lovable, the other night, I had my first encounter with Dylan’s Candy Bar, the monster candy warehouse owned by Ralph Lauren’s daughter on the Upper East Side. And it was an encounter of the most intimate kind. A few friends and I shared some amazing peanut butter cup ice cream creation with extra whipped cream and two scoops of shame and regret. (And by “shared” I mean I ate the entire thing myself while my friends pointed at me and laughed.) Anyway, it's my new favorite place. Ironic, though, that Ralph Lauren should be the creator of the slim-fit chino and skinny jean, while his daughter is the creator of love handles. But I digress…

We were there killing time (and our waistlines) before an advanced screening of "Precious", which, through the haze of my sugar coma, I really enjoyed. Based on the 1996 novel “Push” by Sapphire, "Precious" tells the story of overweight, illiterate 16-year-old Claireece “Precious” Jones and her persevering struggle to survive and thrive in 1980’s Harlem after twice being impregnated by her own father, as she endures the unrelenting abuse of her welfare mother. Needless to say, I have not personally related so strongly to a leading character since "Yentl".

Newcomer Gabourey Sidibe is heartbreaking in the title role. She, along with her entire supporting cast, gives one of the most raw and fearless performances I've seen onscreen in a while; Comedienne Mo'Nique, with whom I've had an arguably unnatural obsession for many years (just ask the African American checkout diva at Blockbuster who blatantly judges me every time I rent "The Queens of Comedy"), is standout as the self-destructive mother. She's already receiving Oscar buzz, and once you see her final scene in the movie, you won't ask questions; Mariah Carey makes a commendable cameo as a native New York social worker who, to be generous, does not share Mariah's real-life affections for cleavage and Cover Girl Cosmetics. Completely stripped of her glitz, glam and good lighting, she goes au naturel for the first time in her glittery career. I'm not saying she looks bad, I'm just saying that if anyone deserves an Academy Award for "Precious", it's Mariah's lovely husband Nick Cannon. However, MC does a nice little acting job and I applaud her bravery. (Maybe next time she's gonna be so brave, she can wear a little foundation.)

The movie opens to average joe's like yourselves on November 6. Don't miss it! It's intense, so bring ice cream.

I'm gonna go try on my spandex leggings.

Xanax and Candy Corn,
"Kathy"

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