Thursday, October 22, 2009

Lady of the Lake (or "Oh Look... There Goes My Old Fur Coat!")

Jesus needs better publicity, Y’all. I was joined on the train last night by a nine-foot-a-hundred man with bad clothes, bad hair, bad breath, and an even worse attitude. He was waving a bible in the air and yelling at me (well, not just at me, but you know how personally I take these things) that Jesus was returning and that he was crazy mad at us for all the sinning and gay sex and stuff, and that we’d better prepare to burn in the Lake of Fire. How does one prepare for that, exactly? I went straight home and ordered a new bathing suit online – It’s really cute.

Why are these eccentric Jesus fans always so negative about His big comeback? I miss the days when we’d celebrate the return of Jesus by driving him down 6th Avenue on a big float for the finale of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. (Different guy?) Anyway, they always make him sound like a real A-hole, and I find it an unfortunate representation of someone they claim to love so much. I’m sorry, but the god I pray to is nothing to be afraid of. My god only brings peace and joy. My god is not so quick to judge people for their differences and would never be so discriminatory or so violent. The god I pray to is a forgiving and happy god. And I think especially since 1998, when she married James Brolin. She just seems happier.

Also, when my god makes a comeback, it’s usually with a new album or a concert in an air-conditioned arena; never with the threat of eternal damnation in fiery waters.

Speaking of… This past weekend, Babs auctioned off precious items from three of her homes, raising more than $600,000 for her nonprofit organization. If you haven’t already, check out the auctioned items on Julien’s website. It’s quite spectacular. Apparently, the wig she wore in “On a Clear Day” went for a whopping $3,500. Seems like an excessive amount of money to spend on a wig. However, Halloween comes but once a year and I have quite a few costume contests to sew up. Wait’ll ya see it on me!

In other, non-Barbra related news: I’m very excited about my next few nights. This evening, I’ll be attending a screening of the new Oprah-produced film “Precious”, starring newcomer Gabourey Sidibe, the brilliant Mo’Nique, and my darling Mariah Carey in harsh lighting with no makeup (which, from what I’ve seen of her in the trailer, is actually just Sean Connery in really good lighting.)

And Tomorrow night, I’ll be seeing the first preview of one of my favorite shows of all time, Ragtime. I’m so excited, I could plotz! Ah-weeeeeeeeeeee!

If there’s free WiFi in the Lake of Fire, I’ll let you know how it all turns out.

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