Friday, September 11, 2009

Kiss of the Stoner Woman (or "Crack Is Back!")

Calm down, I’m back.

It’s been too long, I know. See…I went away for Labor Day weekend, and stuffed my face so, that I absolutely refused to write anything again until I’d dropped the extra weight. I didn’t want you should have to see me like that. Luckily, I’ve been sick all week and am now back in my skinny jeans. Gorg! But I’d hate to be reputed the Paula Abdul of bloggers; popping in whenever I damn well please to shit out a few drunken, incoherent thoughts and then disappearing for weeks at a time. (The comparisons are already rampant, what with all those Diet Coke commercials I did in the early 90’s.)

Speaking of Paula AbDROOL, let us segue seamlessly into how excited I am for Ellen DeGeneres to take her spot on American Idol! I’ve been reading lots of angry online rants that Ellen is wrong for the job and will be out of her element, as she's not of the music industry. (I assumed that was one of the primary requirements to be on that panel.) Who cares, anyway? I mean, they let David Hasselschmuck judge "America's Got Talent" and he's never been talented. And they still let Regis Philbin host "LIVE" every morning, even though he hasn't been living for years. It's like the old proverb goes: "The shoemaker's queer son isn't always in this season's Manolo Blahniks." Ya know what I mean? Ellen will at least amuse us. And that show could use some dyke power. Other than Ryan Seacrest.

And while we’re being topical – I’m not the only queen of the night making a comeback these days. Whitney Houston released her first new album in six years a week and a half ago, and I'm just now trying to get into it. (I know I'm a little behind on this, but I never listen to new music as soon as it's released; it makes me feel cheap. I always wait at least a week.) I don't mind the uptempos, but I'm finding it depressing to listen to her ballads, like "I Look To Yoo-Hoo" and "I Didn't Know My Own Stremph". Not great. Clearly, Whitney no longer has the stremph.

It's funny, though, to see the positive spin everyone's putting on this situation. I've noticed it particularly with the gays. They're all trying to hold their shit together and stay supportive...

When it was first announced that Whitney was returning, all my friends were ecstatic: "Oooooh, Whitney is coming back and she is gonna turn it out, you guys! Get ready!!" There was a lot of lisping and snapping and excitement going on around the vodka cooler.

Then the first single was released, and while everyone couldn't help being a bit crestfallen, they remained hopeful: "You know what, you guys? It is NOT that bad. Whitney is still back!! And her wig looks kinda fierce on the album cover!"

And now that the full album has been released, I'm hearing a lot of: "You guys, I am really just so thankful she's not dead."

What dedication! We gays are a fussy and judgemental buncha bitches, but when it comes to our divas, we are fully prepared to stand by our man!

Gay people are stupid.

No comments: