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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Mad Props

This blahg post is dedicated to all those brave men and women who have so selflessly dedicated themselves to the Gay Rights Movement and repeal of Prop 8 by courageously changing their middle names to “Equality” on Facebook. Those people are doing good work. I’d venture to rank their nobility right up there with that of the brave individuals before them who showed their intolerance for racial discrimination by tying purple ribbons around their black housekeepers and gardeners during the Civil Rights Movement. Or the heroic gentlemen who, during the Suffrage Movement, lent their support to women’s rights by wearing “SHOW ME YOUR TITS” t-shirts to the voting booths. It’s remarkable to see such intense devotion, and I applaud each and every one of you.

I personally have not gotten on board with this middle name movement as I find the name "Randy Rainbow" winds up sounding sort of gay if you add the "equality" to it, and I'd prefer to maintain my discretion. (Shut up!)

While I'm confessing my poor gay spirit... In the past two days I have spurned the efforts of three effeminate young men on the street with clipboards asking if I would "spare a few minutes for gay rights." A few minutes?? Try the better part of twenty-eight years, Nancy! To be accurate, I recently celebrated my ten-year anniversary as an out and proud homosexual (you could have sent a card) and in those ten years I've certainly done my part for the gays. In fact, in those ten years, I've done HUNDREDS of people's parts. Shove your clipboard.

And anyway, I don't support gay rights entirely. There - I said it. In fact, I openly object to the very idea of gay marriage, and this will remain my platform until I land a boyfriend who wants to marry me. Think of all those gay bridal registries I'll have to deal with and gay bridal showers I'll have to host. And you know everyone's gonna want me for a damn bridesmaid. No way am I setting myself up for that... not while I'm still a spinster. I'll support gay rights when I find the right gay. Until that time, you can all fend for yourselves.

Sincerely,
Randy Equality Rainbow

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