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Thursday, July 23, 2009

We're a Couple a' Smells

This next question goes out to all my homeless readers. How is it that when I happen upon the smell of your urine in the street, I must sometimes walk four or five long blocks before I’m able to escape it? Seriously. How are you doing this? Is there a stop-start method happening which allows you to cover that much ground, or is it something you’re eating (or not eating) that makes it possible for you to just target one area and permeate the better part of an entire neighborhood? I’m not being a smartass here; I really want to know. Because I canNOT get mine to do that, you guys. And don’t think I’m not trying.

And since we’re on the topic of odors that confuse me… You know that one empty car on an otherwise overcrowded subway train? You know something ain’t right with that car, but you still always give it a shot; telling yourself that you’ll be the one brave (and lazy) enough to withstand whatever it is making all these other wimps cry, faint and miscarry before running into the next car, for the sake of a nice roomy seat and some privacy.

Then you get on and it smells like Satan got diarrhea and you immediately follow the terrified herd of sheep into the next car. That smell could be any one of a variety of smells, but one of my all-time most perplexing is “wet dog.” You all know it. It’s not your average wet dog smell. It’s more like an entire kennel of wet dogs burning in Hell. But the craziness is that there’s never a dog anywhere near the scene of the crime! And sometimes the stench will stretch the entire length of the subway car or platform. What is that??? Who is this nasty-ass phantom dog and what does it want from us?? I need it exorcised at once lest it continue to wreak havoc on our city.

Call Oprah.

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