Friday, July 24, 2009

We Would Walk Up the Avenue, But We Haven't Got a Gun

While I’m kvetching…

To the man in the fluorescent fanny pack and matching baseball cap (I hope he’s tuned in) who stands every morning at the top of the stairs leading from my subway platform and smacks me in the face with a fist full of newspaper, shouting, “AM NEW YORK!!! GETCHA FREE AM NEW YORK HERE!!!”: Please back the shit off and let Her Majesty pass. Otherwise, you and I are gonna wind up on the front page of that thing tomorrow morning.

With all the pedestrian traffic New Yorkers contend with, must we also endure the added burden of newspapers and flyers and surveys being shoved into every orifice as we try to make our way through the crowded streets? It seems I can’t walk two blocks without someone asking me to save somebody or shop somewhere or eat something or join something. In an effort to save some time, let me put a blanket on this for all those annoying flyer people impeding my life:

I do not care about animal rights, human rights, children’s rights, gay rights, straight rights, artists' rights, civil rights, gun laws, politics or the environment. I find them all overrated, and I’m late to meet a friend for lunch.

To answer your question: Yes, I do enjoy comedy, which is why I do not want to come to your crappy comedy show tonight. You are all struggling, out-of-work waiters, and that’s never funny.

No, I would not like a free copy of your rap demo CD. I am clearly not a fan of rap music. Did you see how scared I got when you approached me just now?

I do not wish to ever set foot in Ralph’s Old-Time Crusty Barber Shop on 9th Avenue. Frankly, even Ralph is getting his hair done elsewhere.

Thank you for asking, but I will never be a Jew for Jesus.

No, I will not donate money to your charity or organization; I will always be a Jew.

Now get your hand outta my face or it’s coming with me to lunch.

Love you, call me later.

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