Monday, July 13, 2009

Look for the Silver Lining (or "Life Sucks")

I so long for the day when I finally become one of those rich, old white ladies who doesn’t have to do anything for herself. You know – like Oprah and Gayle. I really don’t know how much longer I can possibly be expected to handle the endless, everyday details of my own life; like laaauuuundry; and wooooorking; flushing the toilet... I can’t with this! I need a staff and I need it now.

Speaking of "Big O", I’ve been listening a lot to her talk radio channel lately. (I can’t afford a proper therapy+medication regimen right now, so I like to get drunk and turn on Oprah XM. It’s a routine that works for me.) I tuned in this weekend to hear Oprah and Gayle discussing “simple pleasures”; a campaign of theirs to make all our broke asses more aware of the free and affordable joys in life, rather than the amazing expensive shit we all really want but cannot afford. E.g., Oprah said nothing makes her happier in this life than a lemon Popsicle. (Okay...) And Gayle defies any one of us to go skipping through a park in the summer without smiling.

I guess if I shit the Hope Diamond every morning before breakfast and were worth 2.7 billion dollars, I’d be content with skipping and Popsicles, too. For now, though, I’d rather have the cash. Thanksss.

But in all sincerity, my soul has benefited enormously from the wisdom imparted to me by Oprah’s team of radio disciples. I’ve learned so much from her doctors and specialists, all working ‘round the clock to help me live my best, most authentic life. For starters, I’ve learned that I’m exhibiting all the early signs of Perimenopause and that my vagina is shaped like an accordion. I really had no idea.

More importantly, I’ve learned to compartmentalize my fears and discontentment, in order to keep them from standing in the way of my happiness. I’ve also discovered a great deal about the powers of positive thinking. By nature, I’m what you might call a “glass-half-empty” kind of gay. In fact, my glass isn’t only half empty; it’s also chipped and there’s usually something gross floating in it. This predisposition to dwell on the negative and assume the worst perhaps has something to do with the fact that every time I call my mother – no matter the time of day – she always answers the phone, “WHAT’S WRONG?!?!” (I’m just guessing.)

But now I’m ready to start turning all those negatives into positives and shed healthy and manageable new light on my life. To do this, I’ve begun reciting daily affirmations to keep myself centered and on track. I encourage you all to follow my lead. Let’s do some now:

I am not a victim of my situation, but rather a co-creator of it, and therefore have the power to change it.

I possess an unyielding sense of self, and am not made up of the ideas others have about me; those ideas have nothing to do with me.

I did not steal that bottle of eye cream from Sephora last Tuesday; I have been a regular customer there for years now and had every right to it, with or without the knowledge or consent of the employees on duty.

I respect my body as the temple of my soul; I will not abuse my temple with drugs and alcohol.

I am of service to God and my fellow man.

I am not racist like everyone thinks I am; I am merely honoring my heritage by paying tribute to my grandmother.


It’s all about positive spin, you guys. Try it!
Oprah and I are feeling great.

1 comment:

Joseph Gomez said...

I do not live in Texas. I live in foreskin of the United States.

Yeah, Randy, this positive crap isn't quite working out for me.