Friday, May 1, 2009

Boyle On the Butt of Humanity

Christ Almighty! I am absolutely sick to death of hearing about that pig epidemic that’s been sweeping the globe. Of course I’m referring to “Britain’s Got Talent” phenomenon Susan Boyle. I know that I’ll probably be burned as a witch for posting this, but I must hold firm to my beliefs on the matter – I don’t get it, People!!!

I think it’s just swell that a charmingly unassuming little Scottish woman with a dream should have her 15 minutes in the spotlight. I wouldn’t dare begrudge her that. I refuse, however, to buy into the idea that she is deserving of the international acclaim that continues each day to catapult her further into the outer stratosphere of superstardom. Her 15 minutes have come and gone, and bitch has stayed too long at the fair!

Let’s get down to brass tacks: Is the woman really that remarkable a vocalist? I’ve repeatedly watched that now-famed clip of her on the first episode of the season (which, by the way, was so schmaltzily edited that it tricked us all into believing we were watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.) I’ve yet to be blown away by her performance.

And I can hear my opposition whining, “But Randy! It’s not just about her performance! You’re not seeing the bigger picture!” Blah, blah, blah, fart. Yeah, I get what everyone thinks is the bigger picture here. Everyone seems to have some self-righteous notion that this stout Scot sent from heaven has taught us all a great lesson; a lesson of tolerance and humanity. Really? Does everyone really believe that Susan Boyle has single-handedly broken this centuries-old chain of cultural ignorance, and that we’re all gonna be lining up the next time some middle-aged fatty with bad hair wants to sing us showtunes?

Frankly, the lesson I've seen being taught ever since that fateful first episode aired has not been “Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover,” but rather “treat a book like shit, laugh at it, and publicly humiliate it until you think the book might contain something to satisfy your own selfish interests. Then sign your name to the book, praise it incessantly, and force everyone to buy the damn thing and read it over and over again until the pages fall out." (Oprah's been doing it for years.)

And PS, I learned that lesson back in middle school when I used to throw pencils and staplers at the butt-ugly girl who sat next to me in Drama class until I realized she could sing like Mariah Carey. She’s remained my very best friend to this day (and believe me, she’s still nothing to look at.) Ever since then, I’ve done nothing BUT worship the underdogs of the commercial music industry - Barbra, Bette, Cher… I mean, the entire gay religion is based solely upon a foundation built by the conventionally unattractive female singer. Forgive me now if I don’t lose my shit just because some meeskeit from the church choir who doesn’t own a mirror or a toothbrush can carry a tune.

NEXT!!

2 comments:

evyan said...

I agree. Although I AM considering porking up for and not brushing my hair or teeth until the next American Idol auditions. And I've been working on "A Little Fall of Rain" to keep the theme alive...

SarahB said...

You and me pal, you and me. I'm so sick of her and the hype of this mediocre voice.