I’m also thankful that I will be spending the holiday in Connecticut, as a guest in someone else’s home. I do not envy those of you who are hosting. Nothing stresses me more. Of course, this is the time of year when everyone in the world decides to
Hearing such enthusiastic rallying and seeing that oblivious sparkle behind the glazed eyes of the receiving parties makes me cringe. I was an out-of-towner at one time, too. And it was the excitement of my trips here and the false notion that NYC was just a 24-hour, all-you-can-stand brunch and Broadway buffet, that originally put the idea in my head to move here. I don’t regret it for a second, of course. But I urge the rest of you, trying to impress your impressionable young friends from Schmuck-Fuck Mississippi, to cool it a little bit with the up-sell. This dump is already too crowded, and you’re only gonna make more! If you want to give 'em the real New York experience, handle things like I do when I have guests in town: “Tonight we’re gonna sit on the train during rush hour from about 6PM to 10:30PM… Then tomorrow morning I want us to wake up nice and early so that you can yell at my landlord about the hot water issue… Then after we flush all of your money down my toilet, we’ll look for quarters in my couch so that we can afford dinner!” And then sing, “NEW YORK, NEW YOOOOOOOOOORK… A HELLUVA TOWN…!” Just don't give them any bright ideas! (This has been an important message from the New York City Department of Kvetching and Tourism.)
Have a gorgeous holiday, Kids! And don't forget to watch my mutherdarling, Broadway's own Tituss Burgess on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!
I'm off to the gym for a little precautionary Thanksgiving Day workout. Nevertheless, by the next time you see me I'll be 60 pounds overweight and loving it! GOODNIGHT, TURKS!