Tuesday, August 19, 2008

They Only Wanted Your Car

MAX?!?! BRING MY BONIVA AND AN ADVIL! My head is killing me. My old friend tequila and I made quite a splash at Musical Mondays last night. It was one of those retarded mornings when I woke up fully dressed in formal evening apparel (and I’m positive I fell asleep in casual day wear), every electrical appliance in my apartment was on at full speed (don’t jump to conclusions), there was a carton of soy milk in bed with me (though I don't think we did anything), the sink in my bathroom was for some reason filled with water and my house keys were sunk at the bottom of it. Why was I trying to drown my keys do you think? A psychoanalyst might suggest it symbolizes a subconscious, metaphoric effort to keep the emotional chains of my past locked up as a result of my difficulties with intimacy, but I just think I was drunk and my keys probably looked dirty. Anyway, who knows. I remember very little.

Meanwhile, a public apology is in order. Last night, when “Defying Gravity” inevitably popped up on the big screen, I got perhaps a little overexcited and – you know that part in the choreography where I stand on a bar stool and have my date for the evening hold my shirt up in the back like a cape to give the illusion that I’m flying over Radio City Music Hall? Well I was there, and I went to strike my last pose for the big finish, when below me a man started crying “Oh no, oh no! I need ice, I need ice!” I thought I was hearing him say “Bravo! Bravo! Randy, you’re glorious!” which made more sense at the time, but it turns out I whacked him good in the head, the poor dear. As soon as I finished the number I rushed to his side to see what damage I’d done. He already had a pretty bad bump forming and I just felt awful, so I autographed it for him as they carried him out on the stretcher. Anyway, point is… If his vision has been fully restored and he’s somehow reading this right now I’d like to take the opportunity to say to that darling man: You should probably watch where the hell you’re going when I’m in the middle of a performance. I’m trying to hit all my marks and I can’t really be worrying about things like minor concussions when I’m doing a show. Get well soon.

In other news: I received a call this week from Sony Pictures (excuse-me-very-much.) I assumed they were calling because the Sony big wigs had heard about me and wanted me down at the studio pronto to end this ridiculous charade and make me a giant star once and for all! HEY, MISTAH ZIGFIELD! I barely made it through the first eight bars of “As If We Never Said Goodbye” when the voice on the other end of the phone cut me off; that was not why they were calling. They did, however, invite me to a taping of RENT on Wednesday night. As you might have heard, Sony’s filming the final performance on September 7th to be released to select movie theatres nationwide later in the month. Apparently it’s being shot by an Oscar-winning team (Radical Media) and is gonna make those Great Performances on PBS look like home videos of your grandmother sittin’ on the can… Which is to say it’s going be extremely amazing, and Brawt-WAY like we’ve never seen her onscreen before. They’re also filming the show this Wednesday as part of the project, and hosting a little reception with the cast afterwards. My fancy ass will be all up in that. I’m very much thrilled. Stay tuned for cute pics of me harassing Eden Espinosa.

Here are the dates RENT will be in theatres (Check your local listings and SPANK ME RIGHT HERE for more info):
Wednesday, September 24th – evening
Thursday, September 25th – evening
Saturday, September 27th – matinee
Sunday, September 28th – matinee

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