Thursday, April 10, 2008

Inside The Kvetcher's Studio

We begin today’s Blahg with the famous questionnaire developed by the great journalist and television host, that French asshole, Bernard Pivot...

Randy...What is your least favorite word?
Subway, damn you. Subway. (Train, not sandwich.)

What turns you off?
Mass transit and its hideous patrons with whom I am forced to coexist each day.

What sound or noise do you hate?
The sound of damn screaming children in the same subway car, and the idiotic rambling of the unfit mothers who refuse to hit them....

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
..Wait...and the sound of scary old Asian men yelling into their cell phones, and the head-splitting fusion of Celia Cruz’s Greatest Hits, Linkin Park, and NOW That’s What I Call The 80’s! blaring into my ears from surrounding iPods. And the smell...(can I do 'smell' too?)...the smell of curry, or garlic, or whatever-the-hell food corresponds with the ethnicity of the man or woman whose pit my face is buried in for the duration of my ride. (What is with that? Do I go around smelling like chopped liver and Manischewitz?? Bathe, for fuck's sake..)

What is your favorite curse word?
I don’t curse, next question..

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Step in and stand clear of the closing doors. (And then a medley from Godspell.)

It concerns me that when the time comes and I’m sitting across from James Lipton on that stage at Pace University, a large portion of the interview will involve my time on the N Train, as that seems to be where I spend most of my career. I hope we at least get to talk about my hair a little.

But while we're on the subject, I would like to submit a request to those morning commuters whose daily routine includes reading the newspaper on the way to work: I appreciate you’re so 'au courant' and concerned with today's headlines. But all of you rummaging through your newspapers at once when we're crammed into quarters already too close for comfort is rather inconsiderate to fellow passengers like myself. I mean, there's hardly room in there for a rat to have an erection and you're all spread out with your papers like you're at the frigging breakfast table on Sunday morning. I inevitably wind up covered in black ink and paper cuts, with the Daily News up my ass and the New York Times in my mouth. (I’m getting the news from every angle, if you will, and frankly that’s just too much information before 9AM.) It's like trying to fold your laundry from inside a condom, and it's just silly. So I ask that you please postpone Reading Time until you’re in a more suitable location. Like the toilet. I’m certain your equally self-important coworkers will forgive your being a few minutes behind on current affairs. Love you, call me later.

In other news, my darling little stu-djo apartment is coming along gorgeously. This week I painted the little Bedroom/Living Room/Library/Indoor Garden/Fitness Center/Game Room/Guest Room/Family Room/Birthing Center/Celebrity Rehabilitation Center/Dressing Room area. (Not as big a job as it sounds - That area is only about 11X14.) Anyway, it's gorge; a lovely Baltic Gray, courtesy of Mr. Benjamin Moore.

I've also decided to majorly consolidate my belongings in an effort to save space. That had to begin with my extensive music collection, which comprises more than half of my personal estate. While organizing my Cd's, I discovered so many things that'd I'd forgotten about over the years, including one item of particular interest: The fact that I'm really, really gay...Like, super..I mean, I own at least 47 versions of the musical Chicago, 65 Liza Minnelli concerts, 19 recordings of Gypsy...Let's not even get started with Babs, Judy, Bernadette and Linda. Every time Betty Buckley has ever passed gas, I have the album. And my collection of Jekyll and Hyde recordings alone takes up an entire closet (which, in my defense, I blame entirely on Frank Wildhorn.) There's The 1990 Concept Highlights Recording, The 1994 Original Concept Studio Recording, The 1997 Original Broadway Cast Recording, The January of '07 Unoriginal Non-Broadway Cast Recording, The March of '07 Unoriginal Non-Broadway Cast Reunion Recording, The German Cast Recording, The PS 184 in Brooklyn Cast Recording...What the hell, Frank?? Were you cashing in on some half-off coupons at the recording studio? Or are you just trying to get your own floor at Virgin Records? Anyway, with all this superfluous nonsense I realized that the time had come to trim the fat and lighten my load once and for all. So I bit the bullet and got rid of my Backstreet Boys "Quit Playin' Games With My Heart" single. I feel much better.

In other news: Last week was my interview with Broadway’s Julie Halston. We met at the intimate Coffee Pot in Hell's Kitchen for a lovely chat. Julie will soon be seen reprising her role as Bitsy Von Muffling in the Sex and the City movie. We talked about that, as well as her longtime friend and co-star, Charles Busch, her brand new book, working with Nathan Lane and the SATC girls...We even dished on Britney a bit. The interview will probably be out some time the end of this month. I will keep you posted, and will of course blahg it when the time comes.

Finally, this week was Diva Tituss Burgess's glorious concert debut at the Metropolitan Room. Now, not just because he is my heart, but this man is truly phenomenal. Anyone who was in attendance can vouch for that. It was really a great show and a great night and I can't wait for his upcoming Birdland concert! You can see pictures from the Metropolitan show by CLICKING HERE. And if you’re looking for my photo, you’ll find me right on top of Norm Lewis. (I requested that, special.)

1 comment:

Todd HellsKitchen said...

Julie Halston is a Laugh Goddess. I can't wait to read your interview!