Happy Presidents Day everyone. As president of The Retarded Blahg of America, I would just like to thank you all for continuing so faithfully to pledge allegiance to the fag (yours truly), and allowing me to remain in office another term. Without your support I am nothing; nothing but classic beauty, interminable talent, ceaseless charm, impetuous wit, and the ability to drive men wild! But enough about you...First Lady Laura Bush was on the Today Show this morning with her First Cousin, President George W. Bush. Oh my god, they were so stoned - It was hilarious. They were on, [barely] live from Africa to ring in the holiday, as well as share their special tips on raising children, maintaining a happy marriage, and destroying the nation. (I think there was a recipe for bread pudding somewhere in there too.) Laura revealed (amid an illusory assortment of humanlike hand gesturing and eye blinkage) that the secret to their everlasting love is that George never fails to make her laugh. Well that makes six and a half billion of us, Laur. The rest of us, however, are cutting our losses and filing for divorce.
That concludes my political commentary for this episode. Let us move on to more important issues; like lunch. Today I treated myself to a gorgeous little lunch at Pret A Manger, the fancy UK sandwich retail transfer.
For those of you not familiar, Pret A Manger (pronounced "pret-ah-mon-zhay" while wearing a beret and ashing a long cigarette into somebody's hair) is a cross between a whole foods restaurant and an Italian coffee shop that pride's itself on all-natural, fresh ingredients and eco-friendly packaging, blah, blah, blah - It's McDonalds for healthy, fancy french people like myself. (You wouldn't understand.) It's perfectly lovely but, like so many places and people in this city, takes itself just a bit too seriously. The staff there has been trained to act as though they are concierge at a five-star hotel, which in my experience, tends to leave customers both confused and uncomfortable...
PRET EMPLOYEE: Next customer, please step down.
PRET EMPLOYEE: Hello, Sir, and thank you for choosing Pret A Manger. My name is Jennifer and I'll be helping you today.
ME: ...Hi Jennifer.......Randy...
PRET EMPLOYEE: I see you've selected the egg salad today. A fine choice!
ME: ...Thanks....I like egg salad...?...
PRET EMPLOYEE: Will that be all today, Sir?
ME: That's it.
PRET EMPLOYEE: Would you like anything to wash the egg salad down with? Perhaps a bottle of our sparkling water?
ME: No, that's it.
PRET EMPLOYEE: Will you be using cash or charge to pay for this egg salad today, Sir?
ME: Charge, Jennifer.
PRET EMPLOYEE: A FINE CHOICE!
ME: The only choice I have I'm afraid, Jennifer.
PRET EMPLOYEE: That transaction was a success, Mr. Rainbow. Here is a printed copy of your receipt. Will you be checking out this afternoon, Mr. Rainbow?
ME: ...I mean, I'm just gonna eat my sandwich and go back to work....
PRET EMPLOYEE: A FINE CHOICE, MR. RAINBOW! New York has many wonderful sights and experiences to offer! I hope you'll take advantage of them during the remainder of your stay here!
ME: ....well, I just live in Queens...
PRET EMPLOYEE: ENJOY YOUR EGG SALAD SANDWICH, MR. RAINBOW! NEXT CUSTOMER PLEASE STEP DOWN!
Now, while the above was merely a dramatization, it is shockingly close to the traumatic exchange I've been subjected to almost every time I've eaten there. In a world where it's so hard to come by, friendly and accommodating service is always appreciated. But this is just a bit more than I care to endure when purchasing a fluckin' sandwich. I say, "Get over yourself, Pret! It's lunch, not a Carnival Cruise!". (Good egg salad though.)