Yes, thank you all for coming. I know this is a difficult day for most, and my deepest condolences are with each and every one of you. (Unless of course we've dated in the past; to you I say, "NO ONE EVER LEAVES A STAR!", and shoot you three times into my swimming pool - That's a Sunset Blvd. reference, for those of you still in the closet. And if we've dated, you might very well be.)
Of course it's an absolutely gorgeous day here in New York. What is that? Some kinda sick joke? The stormy weather has melted away and it's blue skies...nothing but blue skies, mocking me with their cheerfulness and optimism. Yes, love is certainly in the air. (Big Deal. So's the Flu.) But I won't let it get me down, no sir. The WORLD is my boyfriend! My big, disgusting, abusive boyfriend. Now I know that might make me sound promiscuous, but it's not just that...What I mean is I cherish my freedom! "What do I care about the love of one man..?!" I love my life as it is, because I am surrounded constantly by what I consider to be the sincerest and greatest love of all: bombastic self-indulgence! And let's not forget the undying support of my dear, dear
Anyway, while we're on the topic of feminism and women's lib, Eve Ensler's vagina was on the Today Show this morning. (Does that thing ever shut up?) Eve Ensler was there too, incidentally. And so was Jane Fonda, who caused me to swallow my toothbrush when she so cavalierly blurted out the C-word right there on morning television! Did everyone see this? She was unfortunately not drunk when she did it, nor was she addressing Meredith Vieira. She was simply stating the title of a piece she'd been asked to perform in Ensler's The Vagina Monologues. Meredith publicly apologized in the following segment. The entire thing was horrifying and I was not dealing with my life. 8 AM is simply too early for Jane Fonda's vajine, or for such capricious flaunting of the V-word.
And speaking of scary V-words, Happy Valentine's Day to all of you! (*puke*) To those of you who've succeeded in landing dates tonight, I pray you experience all the magic and romance you so deserve on this very special holiday, and that insurance covers the medication you'll need to clear it up. To the rest of you I say FORGET ABOUT THE BOY! Wash that schmuck right outta your hair and don't forget to condition! You've gotta give your life some sparkle and fizz (vodka tonics) and think a thought that isn't wrapped up in his! Because you are your own best friend, and Gee-Wee-Wow! How lucky can you get?? (And then I do a tap dance.) I personally will be hosting The First Annual Valentyme's Day Anti-Social & A.A. Meeting along with a few other gorgeous eligibles at a cute little lounge in Astoria tonight. For those of you who'd like to attend, please contact me for the info.
I will now leave you with this clip of my performance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien from a few months back. I thought it appropriate for the occasion. Enjoy.