Thursday, January 10, 2008

A Spoonful of Sugar

And now, a lesson on Adverbs:

In the sentence "We are experiencing train traffic ahead, and will be moving MOMENTARILY", the adverb MOMENTARILY is used to describe when the hell we will be moving. Webster defines MOMENTARILY as "in or for a moment;within a brief period of time". Here is an example of the word's proper usage: "If the train had in fact moved MOMENTARILY, Randy would not have experienced stress-induced cardiac dysfunction and been late for his appointment, nor would he have had a sufficient amount of time to deliver a neighboring pregnant passenger's baby." - (8 pounds, 3 ounces.)

In the sentence "Please do not crowd this train, as there is another train DIRECTLY behind this one", the word DIRECTLY is improperly used to describe where the eff the next train is, and when it's coming to pick up our cold, shivering, late asses. Webster defines DIRECTLY as "without delay or intervening space;immediately". I will now use it properly: "If Randy believed the cruel deception that a train was DIRECTLY behind this one, he would not feel the need to amputate his own arm and kick and elderly woman in the jaw in order to fit on this one."

Finally, in the sentence "Because of heavy call volume, we are experiencing UNUSUALLY long wait times", UNUSUALLY relates to the length of time one has to sit and scratch one's ass before a representative picks up the damn phone to assist one with paying a bill or provide technical support. Webster says UNUSUAL means "not usual;uncommon". Correct Use: "If the extended wait-time was in fact UNUSUAL, Randy would not consistently be forced to stay on the line and listen to the entire 'Kenny G Shits Out Hold Music Of The 80's' album 3 full times through every time he called."

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that I'm exhausted and offended by our constant misuse of the English language for the sake of sugarcoating the facts. Webster spent a great deal of time and effort to define these words for us. Let's show him some respect. After all, he was one of the major young pioneer black sitcom characters of the 80's.

Please be patient. There is another blahg DIRECTLY behind this one.

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