Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Randy Rainbow's New Year's Rockin' Heave

Happy New Year, Bloggities! I hope everyone started '08 with a bang and had a swell time. I'd planned on ringing in the New Year with a few friends from the cast of The Little Mermaid. Unfortunately, my plans (and my lunch) went from the fish bowl to the toilet bowl when I was stricken with a hideous stomach virus on Monday afternoon and began throwing up everything I'd eaten in '07. And so I spent the evening in bed with Dick Clark and his old bawllz - What's new? I'll spare you the gory details of my illness, but I was bringing up things I hadn't seen in months. The good news is, I found my passport. I'm also down to a size 4 and looking gorgeous! That's right; Valerie Bertinelli isn't the only non-celebrity showing off her skinny jeans.

Meanwhile, I've been left with a little time to think on my New Year's resolutions. Here are a few (I hope they will serve as inspiration):

Stop worrying about all the negative things others think about me, so that I may devote more time to thinking negative things about others.

Learn a foreign tongue. (I've seen one at my gym I quite like. I believe he's called Pedro.)

Have more patience with the stupid assholes who pollute my life with their very stupid existence each and every day.

Stop drinking. Paint my bathroom.

Be more assertive in my dating habits; Ask for cash upfront before I even get in the car.

Become a co-host on The View.

Send roses to every Russian whore who's ever asked to be my friend on MySpace.

Donate to charitable organizations. Paint my bathroom.

Star in my own reality show and call it "The Harriet Tubman Comedy Hour" (which I think would be hilarious irony. Because the show would only be a half-hour.)

Finally use some of the gym equipment in that enormous corridor that separates the locker room and juice bar.

Get 8 hours of sleep each night. (Cut back to 4 at work.)

Adopt an underprivileged child, name him Tivo and have him tape all my shows while I'm at work. (Because I'm the last person on Earth who still owns a VCR, and it only costs like 23 bucks a month to adopt one of those kids. I read it somewhere on television.)

Paint my bathroom. Clean my bathroom.

Attend a Hannah Montana concert where Josh Groban is the opening act and assassinate both in one fell swoop for all of their fans to witness.

Learn to read. Clean my bathroom. Go to the bathroom.

Become America's Next Top Model.


Now, I know we all feel obligated to make these resolutions for ourselves in January, but how many of us actually hold to them? Right? I'm sure come 2009 I will have only been crowned America's Next Top Model with perhaps a recurring guest spot on The View (and maybe a clean bathroom), and the rest of it will be shot to shit. So don't hold me to this list, you guys! These are just the blueprints. I would also like to take this opportunity to say to all those who supported me and helped in 2007 to get me where I am today......Try just a little harder this year, Okay?
I'm not mad...I'm just saying...

Cheers. Happy, Healthy. Blah-Blah.
Here we go.

1 comment:

Shaaaaron said...

Hilarious start to the new year, Randy. A Happy and Healthy to you as well!