“…And then my glands swelled up like two friggin’ Elephant bawllz and I couldn’t breath’ a friggin’ week, I swear to Christ, Meredith. I’m still on the antee-bee-otic”, she said in a thick, muffled Brooklynese brogue as she entered the train, wiping her nose with her leather glove and reaching it across my face to grab hold of the handrail. Her elegy of phlegm lasted the duration of our trip, with a backup chorus of sneezing, wheezing and coughing from the three men croaking behind me.
“…Ain’t no way I can make it to five o’clock. I’mm’a be sick all over the floor in about five minutes…I don’t KNOW what it is! Better not be the Flu.…Can I help you, Sir?..”, she said, sniffling and glassy-eyed, just before she prepared my breakfast, with nothing but a sheer layer of latex separating her unspecified viral contamination and my egg whites.
“…I’m not sure but I’ve had it for two days now..”, I heard him whisper into his cell phone as we both boarded the crowded elevator. “It might be a stomach bug because I can’t keep anything down….Excuse me..”, his hand brushing the entire length of my right side as he reached for his floor’s button, and accidentally caressing my left cheek as he withdrew. “…Yeah, I think I have a fever too, and I'm achy all over.” As he exited and the doors closed behind him, the last thing I heard was, "...yeah, and then it fell off."
What the hell is going on out there?? It is by the grace of God and a money-hungry teacher “who was sick of catching colds in class” (the genius matriarch of Airborne) that I survived the trek in, and am here to tell the tale. It's around this time every year that I become crazy with the Airborne, and I pray you all do the same. I swear by the stuff and I cannot take enough. One of these days they'll find me naked and unconscious in my apartment, surrounded by hundreds of Airborne tablets and fatal levels of Vitamin C in my system; just another celebrity succumb to the evils of dietary supplements.
In other news: If you're looking for me this evening, you'll find me at The Met...No, not that Met, you frou-frou b*tches. The Metropolitan Room in Chelsea. One of my very best friends in all the land, Gerard Salvador, of Mamma-mian fame, and MAC Award-Winner Amy Wolk are presenting Friends With Benefits, a cabaret for Broadway Cares. The star-studded lineup will feature Tituss Burgess (The Little Mermaid), Rob Evan (Jekyll & Hyde), Jonathan Groff (Spring Awakening), Dennis Moench (Altar Bawllz), Steve Rosen (The Farnsworth Invention,Spamalot), and more. I think there is still room available so if you're in town, come to a cabaret!
GO! (cue: rising jazz hands, a la Liza Minnelli)