Friday, January 25, 2008

26 y/o Homo-Blogger Seeks Wealthy Jew & New Apartment (NYC Area)

Damn you, Craig! Damn you and your farkakte list! Show yourself!!!
If you haven't read about it in Variety, these past weeks I've been hunting for a new apartment. I've got every Carmella, Consuela, and Harry at every Remax this side of the Mississippi working around half of the clock, searching for a gorgeous new place for me to hang my hat. (And yes, I still wear.........a hat.) In addition to learning roughly twelve new languages in order to befriend and communicate with all of these exotic brokers, I've been spending every idle minute on Craigslist: the very foundation on which this world thrives; the backbone of humanity; the prolific index we all scroll religiously to seek habitation, attain employment, locate organ donors, adopt our children, and even find romance. Without it we'd all be wandering blind, roaming the earth and clubbing each other like Paleolithic Sasquatch.

My quest for an apartment has only just begun. But in my downtime, I have had the opportunity to browse one of my very favorite Craigslist features - "Missed Connections". For those of you not familiar (you liars), it is a forum where you can post and read public ads written by everyday people trying, somewhat desperately, to salvage what they feel was a fateful opportunity to meet and fall in love with that special someone, lost tragically to the fast-pace hustle and bustle of big city living. For example, an ad might read: "Saw You on the 7 Train This Morning - You: gay and skinny, mid-20's male(?) with fierce frosted highlights, pink halter and pleather kilt, reading Paris Hilton's autobiography. Me: gay and skinny, 34 27 y/o male with short brown hair, carrying a long-haired Chihuahua with fierce frosted highlights, doing original choreography to my Nelly Furtado ringtone. Thought you were really cute, and we made eye contact a few times, but was late for my job at Sephora and had to get off before you. Should have gotten your number. Email me if you find this!"

Some ads are slightly endearing and might even luck upon a response, while others are just sad, outrageous stabs in the dark..."Saw You This Afternoon at the Third Starbucks from the Left on the North Side of the Street Across from the Starbucks on the Corner of 49th Street and Starbucks - You: tall, dark, handsome male, mid-30's with stocky, football player build. Me: gay and skinny, 42 y/o 30-ish male carrying long-haired Chihuahua w/fierce highlights, and Nelly Furtado ringtone. I was at nearby table drooling over you through two holes cut out of my Star Magazine. You were with your wife and 4 children and did not acknowledge me once. Think you were too shy. Email me if you find this! I love you." And some seem to be reckless last resorts posted by the lonely, heartbroken, and quite possibly intoxicated. They are usually more to the point..."I'll Do It! I Swear I Will! - How many bullets are left, Chino?? Enough for YOU?!?! Email me if you find this." They are my favorite.

To those of you looking for love in all the wrong Starbucks - Keep your chins up! Craig will make everything right. Just you wait! He found me a couch once. I'm sure he can find us all dates. To the rest of you - I'm just putting it out there - Randy Rainbow is currently looking for a new apartment. So if any of you happens to hear of something, please, PLEASE go ahead and pay the broker's fee and first and last months. And add a fresh coat of paint if it needs it. Thanks so much for your help, you guysss! Email me if you find this!

1 comment:

JAB said...

your take on missed connections made me laugh until I cried. From now on I think I'll start carrying around a Star magazine with 2 eye holes cut out, just in case I see an opportunity for a missed connection myself!