In case you haven't been watching CNN, or the water cooler at your office is out of service - Teen Idol, Jamie Lynn Spears (sister of the late Britney Spears and star of Nickelodeon's hit shit-com Zoey 101), has decided to get a jump start on her White Trashdom. The 16-year-old is preggers! Now, I found this little tidbit completely appropriate and totally hilarious. But it seems I'm the only one with a sense of humor around here. Mothers across America are BESIDE THEMSELVES. Apparently they all share in the fear that this will be the straw that breaks the camel's water; That Teen Pregnancy will now be considered in vogue, and they have absolutely NO IDEA WHAT TO TELL THEIR DAUGHTERS or how to prevent them from taking a cue from the little harlot. The Today Show even rushed in a child psychologist this morning to advise on the issue.
I'm sorry. Maybe in what I flatter myself to call "my sanity" I fail to see a real problem here, and still cannot find a direct link between the eccentric, imbecilic behavior of teen pop royalty and what goes on in the homes of these stupid families. If you ask me (and even if you don't), I think these are the same people who let television raise their kids, and subscribe to the belief that their violent, unruly, felon teenagers have become so because of the video games they play and the movies they see. (To which, I suppose, there is some truth. My parents permitted me to watch hundreds of Movie Musicals as a young boy, and I haven't stopped dancing since.) But shouldn't Mom and Dad have built a strong enough foundation that when we find ourselves in a State of Emergency like this, little "Suzie" will be able to evaluate the situation for herself and realize that just because Monkey see, doesn't necessarily mean Monkey oughta do? (Unless Monkey wants stretch marks and gorilla tits down to her knees by Senior Prom.) How did pop culture - in one of its saddest eras - become the basis on which we raise our children?
So, Moms: What should you tell your little girl when she comes whining that she deserves permission to have a baby like her favorite Celebri-Teen, Jamie Lynn Spears? Tell that little shit that when she has a five-year contract with a major network like Nickelodeon, she can get knocked up too. (Then kick her.) And when your darling young son finally musters up that inevidible question "Where do babies come from?", simply sit him down with a current issue of People Magazine, and explain to him that babies come from Cambodia where they are adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And when your oldest daughter trudges home from High School, devastated that she is being tormented by the vicious young ladies in her class, assure her that those other girls are just "jealous, hatin' hoes", and congratulate her on still being in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model.
I hope these tips come in handy. Should things go awry at any time, just cut to a commercial. That always seems to work on MTV.