Monday, December 17, 2007

"If You Were the Only Boy in the World and I Were the Only Boy"

Now a message to the obnoxious young lovebirds on my subway platform this morning who who were working overtime to give all those surrounding them the impression that they were a really cute couple (the way obnoxious young lovebirds do), and who - in between make out sessions - would giggle and scream ad nauseum each time a train would come by and the schmuck playing the role of "boyfriend" would pretend to throw the idiot playing the role of "girlfriend" onto the tracks, only to "rescue" her from "tragedy" so they could once again make out for our viewing "pleasure": Kids - I'm sure I speak for the entire N Train roster when I say we think you're just "presh", and your little display of high school romance really warmed our icy hearts. But Buddy - Next time, it would be much funnier for the rest of us if you actually threw her. Work on your act. I realize Christmas time is upon us, and that snowball fights and attempted subway homicides and other such charming, violent mating rituals are Holiday Puppy Love prerequisites, but really...Shut up.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'm just jealous. I mean, that girl will probably be a pregnant teenager by New Year's, elope with a new guy by Martin Luther King Day, and be divorced and on welfare by Valentines'. Here I don't even have a date for the Christmas Social. I think everyone starts itching for a special someone around this time of year; Someone to snuggle up with by the fire (if, God forbid, there's a fire); Someone to build a snowman with in the meadow and pretend that he's Parson Brown - or Bobbie Brown, or Judge Joe Brown, or whatever you're into; Someone to drink hot cocoa with in a blizzard (indoors, if you can); Someone to pay your gas and electric through January...

I'm usually pretty good about finding my someone by December 1st (a personal deadline of mine). But this year something has gone terribly wrong, and I've been seen dateless at more than one Holiday party. People are starting to talk. So I'm calling upon the aid of those who read this blahg (Oprah included) to help find me a fella. I am looking for anyone mid-20's to late 30's, 6'1 to 6'2, moderately incredibly handsome to intimidatingly gorgeous, rich to filthy hideously filthy rich...Oh, and I think this time around I want a Jew. No one too Jewy, of course.
Just someone Jew(ish). In fact, not even a full-out Jew. I'd like maybe a gentile who reads "Jewish" on screen. No more actors, but someone charming and with an interest in the Theatre. Maybe someone who moved to NY to be an actor, but who eventually became exhausted of constantly being typecast as the rich, gorgeous, Jewish Doctor, so he gave up showbusiness to pursue an actual career in the Medical profession. But not one of those doctors obsessed with his work and saving lives, etc. I won't compete with a cumbersome work schedule or sick children, cuz they always win. And please note that this is a seasonal position. I cannot guarantee that he will be kept on through Spring. Certainly not Summer, as I don't have central air in my apartment. I am not at all picky. I just want someone with whom I can spend the joy of the season and most of his savings. If you think you or anyone you know might qualify, please call now. Operators are standing by.

Folks, it's a time of giving. Now I don't wanna get all preachy, but it costs literally PENNIES a day to feed a South African family of 6 for one year....To help find me a boyfriend - Free. You think about that this Christmas.

1 comment:

Jimmy2cool said...

Boyfriend? Pssht. When you want a MAN FRIEND, you call me.