I'm coming to you LIVE from Gate 1 of Florida’s Fort Lauderdale airport, about to head back to The Big Potat-ah (New York City) after a luxurious and rejuvenating few days in the Frizzed Hair capital of the world. But are you seeing this?? It’s my very first on-location Blahg post! I finally joined the Eighteenth Century and got a MacBook! Next week, a new bustle and petticoat.
This thing is absolutely terrific, honest. I can't imagine how the hell I managed before I had it. I don't even want to think about it. What I'm most impressed by thus far is the Video iChat. With the touch of a button, I can actually see and hear real-time video of my friends from all over the world! (Well, don't let's get too excited. I mean, none of my friends live below 57th Street. But still, this is very amazing, and now I can start branching out. Brooklyn, even.) Of course, this also means that my friends with access to this feature can see live video of me at any given moment, which is extremely exciting for them, but has created a great deal of anxiety for me. I will now have the added stress of looking presentable every time I sign online. Isn’t it bad enough that these days I can't run downstairs to the deli for milk without changing outfits six times and doing full hair and makeup? Now I'm feeling the pressures to be gorgeous in my very own bedroom. Anyway, I had to go out and buy an entire new wardrobe, as the shmata house dresses I’m usually lounging around my apartment in are simply not acceptable for broadcast on live television. Not to mention I’m going to have to immediately redecorate the wall adjacent to my computer desk. I’m considering getting the guys who did the set for The View. I think it’s remarkable how these MAC geniuses have revolutionized the way we communicate with one another over the Internet. I swear, you could probably get pregnant just from having cybersex on this thing. And I intend to.
Meanwhile, about 12 people sitting in my gate are wearing turbans. Really…When I’m about to board a plane, I don’t want to see anyone wearing a turban. Unless it’s Glenn Close. And I appreciate that you can’t teach old Al Qaeda new fashion sense, but would it kill them to remove the turbans for just a few hours so that the rest of us could all feel a little better about life? You can put it right back on to drive me home from the airport! I have no problem with that! But please...I mean, I make it my business to not wear leather pants and a halter top to the Denny’s in Hoboken because I respect the fact that it might rattle other patrons. You see what I'm saying?
And please, Jesus, do not put clappers on this flight, like the ones I had coming here. You know clappers, Jesus – Those horrible people who insist on applauding the moment the plane lands. Where is the necessity in this, Clappers? Is this particular landing so impressive that it deserves such an ovation, or are you just really that pleasantly surprised we didn’t crash? If so, please keep that information to yourselves. Or at least have the decency to express the doubt and concern you all apparently share before we take off. And what would you do if we did crash? Boo and throw tomatoes? If something (God forbid) happens on this flight, and I’m sitting by an emergency exit, as I usually am, there will be a list at the door. And you can bet that the clappers will not be on it. (I know who you are.)
Anyway. Now boarding.