Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Turkey Tawk

Hoppy Tongz-Gibbing Baby-Love!, as Ana, the lovely Puerto Rican checkout attendant at Duane Reade told me this morning. And what a nice way to start my day. If you're out there Ana, Thank You! You have a warm, loving spirit and a zest for life that we could all certainly use a little more of this Holiday season. Especially for someone with such a shitty job and bad teeth. Cheers to you, Ana! Next time put a firecracker under it, hun. I have shit to do, and you have a line of customers out the door and 20 kids at home who ain't gonna feed themselves if I have your ass fired.

Oh, I'm just in a fantastic mood today. The grey skies of New York City are smiling at me. Even if they're just being polite, I don't care. Tongz-Gibbing is upon us and Christmas is just around the corner. The city is filled with tourists from all over the world, stopping short on busy streets to take an entire roll of pictures every time a pigeon shits; The lights on the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree have started to go up; So has shoplifting; I've started blowing my paychecks on wintry treats at Starbucks; Even the urine on subway platforms smells as though it's been seasoned with a hint of nutmeg. I love it. I rally do.

Nowhere is this magical time of love and good-will more apparent than against the two-dimensional, plastic backdrop of daytime television. I love daytime talk shows and would like one of my own someday. Everything's always so cheery and organized, and they're always giving away free things. My job sucks. I have to do my own hair and make up, and for the life of me I can't get people to applaud when I come through the door in the morning. (I've tried a sign, it doesn't work.) Regis & Kelly are doing their annual Thanksgiving "Ambush Makeovers" this week. A segment in which home viewers send in emotional stories about the friends and family who've touched their lives and whose ugly asses they would now like to thank by "ambushing" on the air. So the resident Regis & Kelly stylist travels all the way to Arkansas (or wherever-the-hell) to barge in on Becky-Ann (or whoever-the-hell) with a camera crew and the fabulous news - "Hey Becky-Ann! We heard that you recently saved the life of your sister, Cindy-Lou, by giving her your kidney! Now Cindy-Lou wants to repay the favor by giving you a new blouse and highlights! You're coming with me to New York City!" Meanwhile, Becky-Ann, who's been sitting on the toilet this entire time, is quaking with fear from the gigantic homosexual who's just broken down her bathroom door, and is ruing the day she agreed to give Cindy-Lou that fuckin' kidney. It's incredible TV.

Although nothing compares to the excitement of Oprah's annual "Favorite Things" episode, which aired yesterday.
Oprie flew to Macon, Georgia where her show apparently has exceptional ratings (cuz what the hell else do they have to do in Macon, Georgia?), and surprised the studio audience with the news that they were going to be showered with expensive gifts for the hour. Of course everyone became hysterical - crying and fainting and going into labor and slapping their mothers...It was mayhem. Although some of the items she gave away this year were ridiculous. Like the LG Refrigerator with a built-in High Definition Entertainment System. Half the people in that audience looked like they probably couldn't afford to put food in the fridge. Now they have to worry about paying for cable in the freezer?? Thanks, Opes! And as a "special treat", she had world-famous baritone-Jew, Josh Groban hockin' his new Christmas album. (If any of you believe that Josh Groban is hideously overrated and has little-to-no talent, please contact me at once. I would like to buy you dinner.)

I hope you all enjoy a marvelous Tongz-Gibbing. May you be blessed with complete makeovers by those nearest and dearest to you. (Not saying you need one/Not saying you don't.) And may you never need to ask for one of MY kidneys. 'Cause ya know I wouldn't let you borrow my sweater if you needed it.

Until next time, Turkeys!
Salmonella!

(Guests of The Randy Rainbow Show stay on my futon.)

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