And now an important message to all pop divas (e.g. Mariah Carey, Shania Twain, and Britney Spears) whose obnoxious perfume commercials have begun to flood my television in preparation for the holidays and stink up my apartment...
Mariah: You released your last album, The Emancipation of Mimi, around the same time Abraham Lincoln released the slaves with his Emancipation Proclamation. While your album and the abolishment of slavery across the Confederate States of America were huge commercial successes, both are old news. Let's hurry up with the new album and crank out a few hits before you start gettin' loony again. If I wanted to smell like you, I'd stick a couple of fried chicken wings in my brassiere. Although I must say, you look absolutely incredible in the ad, so hats off for that. One does not get to look that good without exercising, eating right, and Photo Shopping one's face onto another person's body and then airbrushing the whole thing. I wish we could all have your determination and your graphic artists. You are an inspiration.
Shania: I know your career went on hiatus once you gave birth to your son so that you could be present in his life and devote yourself to motherhood and blah-blah-blah. But that was like, 7 years ago. Surely he's graduated college by now. I'm gonna need you to run a comb through your hair, put on some clean underwear and come out of the house. It's time to pay a little attention to your fans now. Your kid's cute and all, but I'll bet he doesn't even own half your albums. Forget him. Personally, I am offended that you've come knockin' on my door after all these years just to peddle your stinkin' par-foom. Put down the bottle and write a damn song!
Britney: You're pretty gross. Nobody wants to smell like you. In fact, these days we don't even want YOU to smell like you. You should maybe consider switching to Jennifer Lopez's fragrance for a while. And Mandy Moore's birth control. This holiday season, we will not be purchasing your perfume, Curious or Tasteless or Crotchless or whatever it's called for any reason other than to give it as a gag gift, once again making you and your entire family the brunt of our cruel jokes. Merry Christmas!
I am extremely jealous of celebrities who make millions by slapping their names on any old product. Like Queen Latifah with her makeup. (That dyke doesn't even wear makeup.) Or Girl Scouts with their cookies. (Those dykes don't even eat cookies.) It's not fair! I cannot wait until I am so famous that I can have makeup lines and clothing lines, and sell bags of doody with my name on them. To kick off the exploitation of my celebrity, I'll be introducing a new cologne in time for Hanukkah called I SWEAR IT SMELLED LIKE THAT BEFORE I WENT IN THERE by Randy Rainbow. It's a bisexual fragrance, which is to say it's strong enough for a man, but pH-balanced for Queen Latifah. I hope you enjoy it. This will be my first time releasing a fragrance, not including the fragrance I released after my taco salad last night. Incidentally, I will not be ordering that again.