Happy Halloween, Bloggities! Or to my gay readers: Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, and Mazel Tov on your Bar Mitzvah. (The gays do love their 'Ween.) Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the Queer. A time when the girls dress like whores and the boys dress like girls dressing like whores. Who could ask for anything more?
I'd like to begin the Halloween Episode of The Blahg with an open apology to the lovely little man behind the counter at the Deli who I hit with my purse this morning upon receiving the news that they were out of oatmeal. You see, it's been a very trying 12 hours for me, as I was told 2 days ago that my asshole landlords, in an ongoing and triumphant attempt to make my life less enjoyable, scheduled a follow-up Cupcake extermination on this, the highest of holy days. So I've been running around like a chicken with its ass cut off in preparation. (Laundering, cleaning, crying, etc.) And tonight, after it’s done, I’ll be doing more of the same, trying to put my life back together. That’s right. While the rest of you are out Trickin’ for Treats and Bobbin' for Boys, I’ll be home doin' laundry. Ah well. Life’s a Bitch, Charlie Brown. And I have always thought of myself as Charlie Brown. Minus the puffiness and the drug addiction.
Last night I brought my little Mushi, Prince of Persia, to the groomer so he’d be out of the house for the day. Every so often we like to have his Persian pompadour shaved down to reveal the limp-wristed lioness he truly is. We’re not ashamed. The attendant had me fill out some paperwork, and asked that I specify at the bottom of the page how I’d like him to be cut. “Well I just want a Lion’s cut”, I said. “Yes, but exactly how would you like him done?”, she insisted. “Hell if I know”, I said, “Check the damn label on his back. I think he’s dry-clean-only.” She then leaned in and confided, “We only ask because some people are extremely particular about how they want their animals to look.”
“Ha! People can be so weird about their pets”, I concurred. I then slipped a red pen from my bag, and took it to the bottom of the page where she’d indicated. This is what I wrote: Please give Mushi a Lion’s Cut. Please be sure to leave his paws and a ball at end of tail. A generous ball. The last time, said ball was trimmed far too small, emphasizing his mid-section and making him feel fat. For the mane, please give him some texture. Not layers, but texture. He likes the freedom to style it appropriately for different occasions. I am including a bottle of the only conditioner he uses, and a photo of Eva Longoria from this week's In Style Magazine that we would like you to replicate. Thank You. I returned the clipboard to the attendant before charging for the exit, avoiding eye contact at all costs. “Ha! Some people…”, I repeated.
Anyway, have fun tonight, fellas! Werewolves, don't be stingy with the hair product because it's gonna give you a much more dramatic look in the end. Just be sure to wax your "excuse-me's" and unmentionables in case you get lucky. Vampires, remember to use protection, because you're not just biting one person. You're biting every person that person's ever bitten. (And a word to the wise: If you're planning on drinking my blood, be sure you have a designated driver to get you home.) Witches, if you want to distract from the big noses, do like we Jews do and try to accentuate your better features. Like your pretty eyes, or your money. Scarecrows…just stuff it. You’ll be swell! I leave you now with a song from the most amazing Halloween movie ever, The Worst Witch. The lyrics are exceptional. If you're a fan, please sing along. Ladies and Girls, I give you...Tim Curry...(Lights! )...