Romance and Paper Goods

I want my bed. I really made a night of it last night, and after 6 bottles of extra-strength everything, I'm still hung over. (Champagne makes me DROWSY!) I absolutely love Musical Mondays. It's Musical Tuesday Mornings I'm not too thrilled about. I'd like to also extend a big thank-you to all of my "friends" who sat idly by while I got so drunk and allowed me to perform "Some People", full-out atop a cocktail table. Very irresponsible, you guys. Friends don't let friends do LIZA LIVE AT CARNEGIE HALL. And I guess I took my Minnelli impersonation a little further than I thought, because when I woke up this morning there was a gay man in my bed and I was wearing a red sequined Halston mini dress, which is bizarre! I mean, I almost never hook up with guys randomly like that. Then, of course, today's unpleasant date is adding to my mood. And adding to that is the gorgeous weather we've been having in NY. All day long it's been stormy, muggy, dreary, cloudy, kill-me. I want my bed.

I did get some well-deserved comedy relief on my lunch hour, however. I received a voicemail from a strange man saying "Hi, Randy...This is John So-and-So. I'm not sure who you are or how we met, but I just found a cocktail napkin in my pants with your phone number on it,.." (Who said I'm not classy?) "..and signed 'To my biggest fan..Love, Randy'. Please call me as soon as you get the message so we can solve the mystery." I didn't remember him either, but impressed by how adorable I was to do such a thing, and never one to turn away a gentleman caller, I decided to go ahead and return Nancy Drew's phone call.

He answered very professionally. Not sure how to introduce myself, I said, equally businesslike, "Hi, John. This is Randy...From the napkin?" He told me he wouldn't normally have made that call, but he found my little message so charming, he couldn't resist. (Of course he did. That's why I'm a professional.) I told him I was flattered, but unfortunately could offer little assistance in cracking this case from just the one clue, as I sign all my napkins that way. He agreed to email me a picture of himself, which will hopefully piece this puzzle together (and land me a steady). I'm waiting to hear back from him, so I still don't know what he looks like. But if I know my drinking habits and also some of my fans, it will probably go something like this...


...which would indeed make him my biggest. Anyway, this dreadful day is finally beginning to wind down, and I say "good riddance". I really want my bed.
Gotta run. I have a 12-pack of toilet paper sitting on my desk to autograph.