Thursday, September 20, 2007

Reeding Iz Funn

First Lady, Laura Bush was on The Today Show, surrounded by a herd of children this morning, promoting Literacy among America's youth by reading them her very favorite book, Ferdinand the Bull. To show my support for the campaign, on my way into work I found a kid on the train and read him my US Weekly, cover to cover. I cannot stress enough how important it is that children be kept informed of the latest celebrity news and fashion trends.

Laura Bush is one of my favorite comedic TV personalities. I just love her stuff. Whenever she's given the task of plugging some pointless issue (like "child literacy"), she makes her little appearances on GMA or The Today Show or The Home Shopping Network to give her speech, and always reminds me of a school girl who's been assigned to present a report for her class. She memorizes a few paragraphs on the subject the night before, and then stands up there the next day, looking all glassy-eyed and stoned, and recites. God help her though if the teacher (Matt Lauer) strays from the topic at all to ask a somewhat related question. She starts to perspire, and you can see her scanning her "brain" for a part of the speech she's just delivered that might sound close enough to an answer so she can repeat it, verbatim. No thoughtful opinions, no personal insight.

One of the most profound bits of information the Stepford First Lady had to offer us, and repeated a few times to emphasize its urgency, was that "You must teach your children to read. They will not just know how on their own." Did you have any idea?? I wanted them to scroll a flashing "BREAKING NEWS" chyron below her. I've been looking into it this morning, and apparently there are a number of things you have to TEACH your children to do. Like tie their shoes, ride a bike, roll a proper joint, and mix a good Martini. Kids don't know anything, you guys. It's kind of ridiculous. You have to treat them like kids. I really didn't know any of this before this morning's show. I guess it's a good thing I'm barren.

Anyway, Thank You LB for your contribution. I'm sure parents all over the country will be teaching their children how to read the onscreen TV Guide so they can program TiVo by themselves. And don't forget...We must teach our husbands how to read as well. They're certainly not going to learn on their own.

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