Tuesday, August 21, 2007

When I'm Stuck with a Day That's Gay and Lonely

I would just like to give a great big high belted shout-out, in B flat, with vibrato to one of my favorite weekly New York events, ever!....(Boys?? Hit the lights!)....MUSICAL MONDAYS! “What makes this night different from all the other nights?”, my Jewish friends might ask. Well, I’ll tell you. It’s a night when you can set aside your fierce, too-cool-for-school veneer, strap on your character shoes, leave the woes and worries of the day behind you, and join your peers and your friendly neighborhood bartenders to celebrate the only thing that really matters at all to you in this crazy, stupid world….Brrroooaadway Musicals!

For those of you not fortunate enough to live in Manhattan, and for those who do but are too embarrassed to be seen at the affair, Musical Mondays is a time-honored tradition, which takes place in Chelsea (of all places) at the lovely and intimate Splash Bar. (More than half the bathroom stalls have locks on the doors, and they have see-through showers for you to rinse yourself off, in case you're feeling dirty or should someone throw up on you. It’s class.) Every Monday night they fill the dance floor with cocktail tables and chairs, and on three huge video screens, replace what is usually only the finest soft-core porn with clips from various Broadway shows and performances from the Tony Awards. It’s any show queen’s wet dream, and a glorious way of bringing together a group of people who, surely at one time or another, thought he or she was the only loser on Earth sitting all alone in the lunchroom who was so passionate about such things. (Who are you to judge me??) You’ll never find a crowd happier or more at home than this one. And if you’ve been witness to it before, you’ll know that there is no sight more magnificent than 67 gays standing on bar stools, all Defying Gravity at once. Believe me, it is far superior to anything that goes on at the Gershwin Theatre 8 times a week.

For the homos looking for love at MM (and there are always a few), I feel it’s the perfect place. If a guy meets you at Musical Mondays, and still wants to take you to dinner, you can bet your bottom dollar he’s a keeper, because by now he’s already seen your Patti LuPone impression. It completely eliminates any false pretense. And ‘Mondays is certainly not just for the fellas, but anyone who loves musicals. The place is always well-stocked with it’s fair share of lovely ladies. Last night I saw three of them. (Four, if you count the gentleman dressed as Liza Minnelli, but I don’t.)

For the Grand Finale every week, they play Jennifer Holliday’s legendary performance of “And I Am Telling You” from the 1982 Tony Awards telecast, at which point all the boys fight with their dates over who gets to play Effie. (Nine times out of ten, the skinny white one triumphs.) And as if this weren’t enough excitement, every week there is a live performance portion, called Curtain Call, which is hosted by the always enjoyable Scott Nevins and his arms. Some of the greatest casts and biggest names from the Great White Way show up to perform. Of course, by this point you’re so drunk that they could throw any asshole up on that stage and say it’s a Broadway Diva. You wouldn’t know the difference. (Now that I think about it, I don’t think that guy really was Andrea McArdle...Oh who cares?).

The point of the story is, I love this silly night! In fact, the only reason I bother showing up to work on Mondays is to kill time before going to Splash. (I’ve made sure my boss is aware of this.) So, hats off! Where the hell else does such musical magic happen other than Splash on Musical Mondays?? Except my living room every other night of the week.


Jimmy2cool said...

A Haiku:

Ten Margaritas
and Randy dances on air
complete with Jazz hands

It really happened. I was there.

Robert said...

a) you don't live in manhattan either, mister.

b) believe me, i've heard the "musical fill-in-the-weekday" going on in your apartment.