A horror story to go with your breakfast
By Randy Rainbow
Last night, as I'm walking upstairs to my apartment from the gym, to enjoy a well-deserved and much anticipated relaxation, I am stopped by my upstairs neighbor.
"I have something to tell you…", she says.
"What's that, Dear?", I reply. "Why are you talking to me?"
"You probably won't be affected by this at all", she assures me, "but I wanted to let you know that we just had to have an exterminator come because we were having a problem with....(cue: scary lights and clap of thunder)....BEDBUGS."
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!", I shriek like a woman.
"I'm sure you won't have a problem, but it took some effort to get the landlord on top of this, and I just wanted you to be on the look out…..just in case."
"Well, thank you for telling me, Upstairs Neighbor….And if you hear someone banging on your door at 3:00 in the morning", I say jokingly, "it's just me being attacked by bugs...AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...
Cut to 3:00 in the morning. I wake from a gorgeous Tylenol PM induced slumber to find...something – sitting – on – my – shoulder. And it ain't a little bluebird. I think you can figure out where this is going. So I scream, and cry, and curse, and cry, and wet the bed, and cry, and set up to sleep on my couch, which I try to talk myself into believing is much safer. I don't know where the hell these bitches are, though. I know they're called BEDbugs, so I assume (in my wisdom) that they would have no interest in a COUCH. RIGHT?? I mean, word would get out that they were hangin' out around couches and it would be a shanda for their Bedbug neighbors!
But do they know that my couch pulls out?? GOD!!! PLEASE DON'T LET THEM KNOW THAT!!!! What am I gonna do, though?? It's 3:00 in the morning. I'm alone. AND I'm fucked up from Tylenol PM.
I pretty much lay awake the rest of the night, lights on, sleeping pill working at full force against me, and jumping up every 12 seconds for fear that I am being raped by bugs.
So, here I am...at work...Feeling fabulous from 6 minutes of sleep and the angry residue of a very unsatisfied Tylenol PM, still whispering its evil lullaby in my ear. I'm sure I look stunning. And on top of it all, I am paralyzed by fear that everything and everyone I see is a bedbug, come to attack me. I just smacked my boss.
In conclusion, I am waiting to be in touch with my landlord to see if he has a quick solution, but have also placed a call to Orkin Pest Control, who will gladly come right out and take care of it for 67 thousand dollars (or some figure in that ballpark). Luckily, I have a crazy Jewish mother, who's offered to foot the bill, so you shouldn't feel too terrible for me. (But you should.)
That is my story. I thank you for listening, and hope that you will keep me and my dear cat, Mushi in your prayers. If you do not hear from me, I've probably been eaten. Find another gorgeous friend.